KNITMAN

July 6, 2010

UNEXPECTED JOLT FROM THE PAST

Filed under: abuse stuff — Tags: — Knitman @ 2:28 pm

I was speaking with somebody I know today, and whom I like.  I got to know them about 18 months ago, because of my involvement in dogs.  During our conversation, she said something using my old surname.  I was really taken aback.  Whereas I have only known this person for 18 months,  even though I have been aware of them for the last 6 to 8 years, she has known me for 25+ years!  I do not remember her at all.  She clearly remembers me and clearly remembers what I used to be like. 

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this person has done absolutely nothing wrong.

All those years ago I was severely disturbed.  I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.  I was doped up to the eyeballs, most of the time.  My behaviour was erratic.  My mood swung violently from elation to deep depression.  I was actively in to self harm and actively bulimic.  I was completely unaware of myself and others.

I changed my surname by deed poll, and I cringe when ever I hear that name or see it written anywhere.  I hate the sound of it and have done for as long as I can remember.  I changed my name in 1979.

I am not so sure why I feel so disturbed.  I am not that person any more.  I have worked very hard to get to where I am now and am very happy with where I am now.  I am no longer disturbed.  I know what is what.  And I have come to terms as much as anybody can with the horrors of my childhood.

When I think back to how I was and the people that I was friends with,I cringe.  I cringe both at how I used to be and how I could possibly have had those sort of people in my life.  Many people judged me severely or took advantage of my situation, and my weakness.  Not any more. I do not allow it.

There is somebody who goes to the shows that I know from way back then.  But I don’t really care what they think because they are a homophobe.  Always have been and have never thought well of me.  So I don’t care what they think.

Although I am a product of my experiences.  My past is the past and I wish it to stay there.  I have my grief days, and I know that I always will.  Those who know me from way back then, are not owed anything by me.  They have absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, and it is none of their business.  If they choose to judge me or find it amusing, that says much about them and nothing about me.

I really am surprised at the strength of my feeling about this.  I think perhaps I should have more compassion for myself and for that poor wretch that I was.  I do, I know only too well what he was suffering, yet at the same time.  I do inwardly cringe at the memory of the person that I used to be.  So vulnerable and easily taken advantage of, and I let people walk all over me

I am confused and I don’t really know why I am so upset about this jolt from the past.

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