KNITMAN

October 17, 2010

ACCEPTANCE

Filed under: dog show, drugs, knitting, knitting machines, pain, pain stuff — Knitman @ 8:43 am

I mentioned on a knitting machine list and on Facebook that I am dumping a whole load of yarn and I really regret doing so.  Despite the fact of some people already knowing, and  me reminding others that I have a physical problem and therefore cannot use this, I am still getting horrified comments.

I am too ill to use this stuff.  I am never going to get better.  In fact I am going to get worse.  I do not need a mountain of yarn taunting me everyday and clogging up my house. 

I tried to sell this stuff I no one was interested. Now it seems everyone wants it. It is too late.

I am glad to be free of this and I have not even finished yet.  The car is loaded and is off to the tip very soon.  Then it will be loaded again.  And again.  And maybe even again.

I am keeping my  cashmere and llama and silk mixes.  All the luxurious stuff and the four ply wool. All the very fine (thin) stuff is being dumped.  As lovely as this yarn is by the time I will have wound it suitable for knitting I will be too knackered to actually knit.

I may look all right but I am not.  It is obvious that I use sticks to walk. I can’t even do that very long so when I go out shopping I use an electric wheelchair, of which I have two.  Perhaps it is not obvious that every single thing that I do hurts and tires me.  Whether it be making a coffee, grooming a dog, getting dressed or undressed (which is why I am mainly seen in my “loungewear”), knitting at a knitting machine even with a motor. I don’t like to go on about my disease but it seems the drawback to this is that people do not have a clue and make remarks that I find hurtful.

Do you really think that dumping this yarn is easy for me?  Surely any serious knitter and yarn connoisseur doesn’t need to be told that this is a painful and sad thing for me to be doing.  It is as difficult for me as it was to have Nechung put to sleep last Monday.

Doing this is me accepting my physical degeneration after years of keeping my yarn mountain kidding myself that one day I was going to find a way of getting back into full-time designing knitting and selling. 

My mind and my desire have not degenerated and in fact I am more creative now than I ever was and as I sorted through my yarn mountain I had to keep the ideas at bay, close my mind to it and just dump.

I am also going to rid myself of a couple of machines in my knitting room itself.  Probably the Passap E6000 and Duo 80, both with motors.  I find these the most challenging machines to use with my condition.  They also take up the most room.  Once I have more room I am sure that I will spend more time with the machines that are left.

I am sure, by the way,that no one set out to hurt my feelings.  I know that they did not.  All of this is wrapped up with me just accepting the limitations that my disease has put upon me.  It seems to me that the last few weeks since my holiday has all been about this.  I was watching something on the TV about Peru, a place I want to visit, and I realised that I never will. Many of the places I would like to see are now not possible.  Not even Paris! Nor London! Yes I know that by law they are supposed to be accessible to handicapped people.  The law is not followed.  Anyway the point is that it is not just for now that I can’t visit these places.  It is for ever.  I will NEVER be able to.  In just the same way I will never get back to designing and knitting in the way that I used to.

I do not give up easily.  Having realised on our recent German holiday that Barcelona was out of the question I have since done my research and have discovered that there is indeed a way for us to do Barcelona that will not kill me.  We can get the Eurostar all the way to Avignon where I will hire a car and drive on to Barcelona 260 miles away.  A week later we will get the Eurostar back to England.  Not only that, wheelchair users and their carer, get very cheap tickets! Where there is a will there is a way. Now,it would seem that the train will open up more places for us to be able to visit.

I am an optimistic person and I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself.  However, just like everybody else, I need time to adjust to things.  I am not perfect.  I am not at all happy with my physical degeneration but there is fuck all I can do about it.I am going through an adjustment and mourning period and I really don’t need people to be on my back over it.

Just a few facts: pain is tiring.  The drugs do not get rid of 100% of the pain.  The drugs do not deal with fatigue.  For me to be able to do a dog show, I take a minimum of 24 pills, the combination of several different drugs, for my heart, my gut, my liver, my brain, and pain killers-paracetamol, tramadol, and morphine.  I need a full two days to recover from a dog show.

I neither expect nor want people to fuss over me. I hate that.  If I need help I will ask for it.  I am not too proud to ask for help when I need it.  What I do not need is people on my back over the things I have to do or the things I cannot do.  I may dress well and look well but you will just have to accept the fact that I am not.

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