When I had my nap yesterday afternoon I had a dream which confirmed to me what has been going on for several months.
In the dream I saw two men in canoes. They were talking about a canoe race. I was in another canoe but I could not see myself because it in the dream I was seeing these other two. They were talking about how they prevent me from winning. How they sabotaged me.
I had begun to think recently about why I had taken several steps backwards. I had begun to stay in much more than go out. I had stopped entering dog shows, my excuse being that after Leeds I felt there was no point. Even if it was true that there was no point continuing to show Whitney, I have Mary-Grace to show.
Not just as regards my dogs but life in general had been going very well. Yes dealing with the tax situation to the last 18 months has been very stressful but I really don’t think that has anything to do with it.
I have always had trouble with being around people. I do not like groups, crowds, parties, that sort of thing. Going to dog shows took an enormous effort on my part but I did it and then when I really started to dress the part to show Whitney I did enjoy the lovely compliments I got from people. However it became increasingly more difficult for me.
I now realise that the suspicions I have had about why I had taken these steps backwards were confirmed by this dream. Quite simply I am not used to having a life that goes well and I think deep down there is still a part of me that the leaves I do not deserve success and contentment. I sabotaged myself.
I think now that I know this, I will be able to rectify the situation. With my pool being closed for eight weeks I have of course put on weight but I also have been careless as this has been part of myself sabotaged. Right now I could not get into any of my show clothes.
I do feel brighter and more optimistic today because I know from past experience that once I recognise what is going on I can usually change it quite easily.
There is no reason at all I should not enjoy life to the maximum and I have to dump this idea that I don’t deserve it.
Come to think of it I’m not sure now that that is what is at the root of it. I know as a child that any expression of happiness was crushed with “it will all end in tears”.
I think it is a combination of both these things. Whatever, I am going to get my Mojo back.