I have today figured out what has been causing my volatile mood recently. The person I have known the longest, 33 years, has been told she has cancer. Over the last few months of talking, I think I knew that what she was telling me of her symptoms was not good. She has a definitive test on Wednesday.
J. Was the first person to see who I really was. She never judged me or shamed me nor thought be mad, bad, and dangerous. She always says she saw a terrified little boy. Without her love and acceptance of me, I might not have been able to form my relationship with John. J. Had already shown me that people could be genuinely nice.
J. Has seen me change from that terrified hurting boy to the man I am today. Fittingly, on that day at the end of 2007
when I finally reached the grief of that boy that welled up in me in such I could not shove him back down, it was j. who was there and she let me release everything I needed to. I’ll never forget how I felt on that day and I will never forget how she was there instinctively, knowing what was taking place in me. She actually spoke to me as if I was a little boy and when I questioned her later, she said ‘well, of course I spoke to you as if you were a little boy…you were.’
So you can appreciate that I love this woman and she was the first person to really be there for me.
As I was in the pool and wondering why my mood has been so up and down, I started to think about her and I began to feel distressed. This told me that I had hit on the cause. I can’t be bothered explaining too deeply but it is very common for abuse survivors to not know what they feeling and so having to think about it like this is normal. It is also common to just shut down or shut out hence this most obvious cause of distress has taken many weeks to come to the fore.