March 19, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — Knitman @ 1:53 pm

I have today figured out what has been causing my volatile mood recently. The person I have known the longest, 33 years, has been told she has cancer. Over the last few months of talking, I think I knew that what she was telling me of her symptoms was not good. She has a definitive test on Wednesday.

J. Was the first person to see who I really was. She never judged me or shamed me nor thought be mad, bad, and dangerous. She always says she saw a terrified little boy. Without her love and acceptance of me, I might not have been able to form my relationship with John. J. Had already shown me that people could be genuinely nice.

J. Has seen me change from that terrified hurting boy to the man I am today. Fittingly, on that day at the end of 2007
when I finally reached the grief of that boy that welled up in me in such I could not shove him back down, it was j. who was there and she let me release everything I needed to. I’ll never forget how I felt on that day and I will never forget how she was there instinctively, knowing what was taking place in me. She actually spoke to me as if I was a little boy and when I questioned her later, she said ‘well, of course I spoke to you as if you were a little boy…you were.’

So you can appreciate that I love this woman and she was the first person to really be there for me.

As I was in the pool and wondering why my mood has been so up and down, I started to think about her and I began to feel distressed. This told me that I had hit on the cause. I can’t be bothered explaining too deeply but it is very common for abuse survivors to not know what they feeling and so having to think about it like this is normal. It is also common to just shut down or shut out hence this most obvious cause of distress has taken many weeks to come to the fore.



  1. I am so sorry to hear about your friend, Colin. She sounds like a wonderful friend

    Comment by isleofjava — March 19, 2012 @ 2:16 pm

  2. Oh Colin, thoughts for you and bigger ones for her. She is your rock. I’ve always see you are an amazing person and I know that, should the worst come to the worst, you will take her memory and move forward. But I am hoping that it doesn’t come to that, and you will he friends fur many years to come.

    Comment by Vanessa Hubbard — March 19, 2012 @ 2:16 pm

  3. Sending warm thoughts your way.

    Comment by rbackhaus — March 19, 2012 @ 2:55 pm

  4. I am sorry to hear of your friend’s diagnosis. There is hope for people with colon cancer. It will be a hard battle, but from my years working at Hospice, and attending Cancer Support Group, here in this small town, I know several people who had been treated and are still living well past 5 years, without any recurrence. They are enjoying a full lives. They still attend Cancer Support Group every week. It has been proven that if a person attends a Cancer Support Group, the odds of beating cancer goes up 20%. Perhaps you can help your friend by helping her go to treatments and supporting her at Cancer Support Groups. I am assuming that there are such groups in the UK..

    Comment by June Peterson — March 19, 2012 @ 5:18 pm

  5. I am so very sorry to read of this. It read the post like it was written about a truley great woman by a man who has expirienced the most wonderful moments of true nurturing from and to her. Much respect and sadness do I feel as read and re-read the account that you wrote.

    Comment by M. Rebecca Powers — March 21, 2012 @ 4:38 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at