May 3, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — Knitman @ 4:49 pm

This really pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off.

I am a 53 year old man and yet can still be easily sent back into that abused child mode. I HATE it. Back into that black hole where everything is my fault and no matter what i say, someone else is determined to view me in a dark light.

One thing that I really really detest is being falsely accused. The very first time I spoke up about being sexually abused by a stranger, I was slapped, and told I was disgusting.I was 9 years old. It was my fault according to my mum. This was not the first time this had happened to me but I had been too afraid to tell. After this I never told again and went on to be further abused. A teacher of mine was a child pornographer and he used me. Now with the ‘net, every time I hear of pedophiles being arrested for internet child porn, I always wonder if they were viewing me. There is nothing I can do about it.

At 16, I worked in a restaurant. i was good at it. A rather unpleasant woman started to work there and she really wanted her daughter to work there. she started trying to undermine. Eventually, she flat out lied to the boss about me serving oversized meals to friends(what friends?). I was sacked.

A bus I was on came to a sudden stop as I was stood and I fell on to a black man who immediately slapped me and accused me of attacking him because he was black.

Recently I wrote a kind and supportive letter to someone. They CHOSE to interpret this letter as malicious, patronising and arrogant. Nothing could be further from the truth. This person I had already given the benefit of the doubt to because some years ago they had been spreading untrue stories about me and how I kept my dogs. They supposedly had been fed the info by a third party. I forgave then, let it go, and decided she was probably an okay person. I was very wrong to have done that because it only led to me being deeply hurt yet again for the same reason; unethical behaviour on their part. I made the mistake of speaking to them to find out why on earth my letter upset them. I was in physical pain and tired. Not a good mix and very quickly I was reduced to tears and convinced I had indeed been a bad person whose only reason for writing the said letter was malice. I cannot tell you the intense fear this made me feel, how insane I felt. Was i really so wicked? could I really have written that the way ti was taken and not be aware?

Now I have had some days to sort this through, and read and re-read and re-read what I wrote, I know precisely what happened. I was manipulated by a self centred person who wanted to view me that way, who took no responsibility at all for the twisted way they interpreted my words. A person not looking for offence would not have interpreted my words that way. It wasn’t that i was clumsy, or wrote ambiguously. I was clear and my meaning was clear. Especially in light of what had been said to me prior to the writing. My heart went out to them, hence the letter. Well, not that this person means anything to me. But it always hurts when a kindness is returned with a kick in the gut. I have been proved wrong in being generous about them and that is that. End of. I will not make this mistake again. I am not a fool. I have been bitten, hard, twice. There will not be a third time.

It really is a shame. I much prefer to get on with people but I will not be treated so disrespectfully and if someone is so willing to view me as mean spirited then there is no basis for respect.

I am well aware that some people will not understand how such an otherwise minor incident could have such an impact on me, bring back flashbacks and night terrors. I really don’t give a f*ck. Other survivors will get it very clearly.



  1. you have suffered much wrong doing in your life with ill health to but now your life should shine bright for you with john dogs and good friends you will rise above all that so get married be happy and#### all those people who are not worth your time and energy good luck my friend with your life with john

    Comment by martin — May 3, 2012 @ 5:37 pm

  2. colin
    I dont know what to write as I have never been in your shoes so to speak
    please dont get upset with others,you have done no wrong
    you are a kind,decent human who is loved by john and the doggies
    you deserve to have this love
    you are not bad
    love jane and the kitties xxxx

    Comment by jane — May 3, 2012 @ 8:02 pm

  3. You are a good & kind person Colin, and I can understand you have been dreadfully hurt by these people. Try not to let it cloud the present or make you distrusting – there are a lot of good people out there. You are about to embark on a new part of your life, I hope it’s a very happy time for you.

    Comment by Glenda — May 3, 2012 @ 9:00 pm

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