It is 11:48am on a bright and sunny day, not too warm. Jack the gardener is in mowing the lawn, John is on the telephone to the insulating company trying to re-arrange a date for them to come and do their job.
I have had some odd feelings recently. Last night I had a long dream. Well it seemed long. I will give the short version. I was in a very crowded college and I was not feeling comfortable due to the crowd. This is true today. I don’t like crowds. Cut to next scene. I saw a young man, a boy really and he was clearly distressed and lost. I was able to get to him. I hugged him and I told him what I know now. Afterward, he was happy and re;axed and his dull clothing had changed and he waved me goodbye with a big grin and asked if I liked his vibrant shirt. This was when I realised the boy was me. It makes sense because I have been feeling regretful recently that i did not know back then that the abuse was not my fault and that it did not happen because of who I was but because of who they were. I don’t need to be told the past is gone. I know. I still feel grief for it though. All those years of suffering. wasted it seems to me. Most of it a blur. A life un-lived, just survived. So unlike today. The flip side being that most do not get to where I am-a life being lived authentically-with the knowledge it was never me and was always them. Grief though has a mind of it’s own and does not take solace from now. I think I will always feel sad for the boy I used to be.
Below is what i wrote about Bournemouth Dog Show:
CHASE 3rd in MPD, Pussy 3rd in PGB and MG 1st in LB. The day got off to a bad start. I had parked, unpacked, and attached Daniel to my dog trolley and as I pulled away, the wood holding the bracket snapped. No choice but to walk the trolley over to my breed’s grooming area and coem back for mDaniel. When I got back this woman parked int eh spot between me and the next acr, effective
My dear friend Sarah Bedford, came to the rescue at the end of the show. She helped me pack my car. i could not have done it without access to the passenger side. She was furious too with the woman and was thinking of ways to block her ! Not seriously I am sure.
I stayed with Sarah and her husband last night. They have a lovely house with a garden one needs a sit on lawn mower for. It was just beautiful to sit there having dinner and watching the dogs. i have video and photo. My dogs reacted really well. they loved and all three ate the dinner I brought with me for them. My dogs tend to always be okay as long as they with me.
It was a very windy day which for long coated breeds is a pita but I find it quite good for me because it stops me faffing and fretting. The day would have been much nicer had it not started in such a stressful way and had i not spent most of the time worrying about how I was going re-pack my car. Despite my life experiences, this sort of behaviour and attitude from others still astounds me. I mean they KNEW exactly what they were doing, what the affect was going to be, and they simply did not care. I really do not understand that. How does a person get to be so indifferent to others?
PS: I FORGOT TO ADD THAT IN MY DREAM I ALSO WAS TOLD THAT I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH REGARD TO MY DISABLED STATUS AND BENEFITS AND THE GOVERNMENT OVERHAUL. WE SHALL SEE.