November 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Knitman @ 10:08 pm

This is embarrassing to say and if any of my friends think it better tI remove it, please tell me. 
Anyonwe who knows me and has read about my past, knows the hell I have lived through. Most will also know how well I live with it. I have been left with brain damage and a diseased body which causes sever 24/7 pain, but I get on within it and live each day the best i can. I live very well, I have

a very good life and I had some good. What i do not not understand are those people who want to ADD to my pain. The friends Iost when I became successful with Whitney. They judges who took great delight putting me down the line in favour of their friends. Then those who are deliberately mean spirited toward me when I have never ever done anything to them. I am no malicious, I have never been. I give people the benefit of the doubt and the last time resulted in this woman shitting all over me again, making up more malicious lies about me, and now seems to to be stirring the pot again. Why? I have no ideea why people do this type of thing. I am not malicipous, I don’t understabnd the need to be, I don;t understand trhsoe who pretend friendship but use what they kn iw about me to manipulate me. One really good thing about having been iopen about my shilchood sexiual abuse, the time ine hosptitls, etc means that pwople cannot use this against me as everyone already knows!It has taken me more courage and more strength of character than of of these wankers could possibly muster. I have more bottle in my little finger than they will ever ever have. I survived seeing my best friend murdered in fron of me when I was seven. I survived a vioplent, nasty bully of a father. I survived him knocking me out. I surived the bullies. I survived the teaxhers who thought I was as issiy and therefore deserved rthe bullying. I survived the nuns and priests, one qof who siuggested that jesus wiuykld forgive my suicide bu not my homosexuality. I surviderd being held down and forcibly drugged, many times, all in an attemp to shiut me up so i could not would not talk about the abuse. I wa sinvoled in the inquiry into one of the hospitals where the absue wqs funallly frecognized. When asked why i said nothing, my resoonse was to say ‘whio would have belkieved me?”I went through hours of police interviews about waht the teaher diud to me who was a child pornarapher. I was 11/12. I had to be de detalied about thwat he did. When it was all over I was told my yestimony was of no use use because I had a mental health record and therfroe couyld not be relied upon to be truthful. People didn’t belive victims. So this man as far as I know was ver stopped and now wioth the internet, it is likely that pornogrpahoich film and images of me are around there and other pervs are watching me abused and getting their jopllies. And no one give a shit.So iof yohu think I am odd, yes I am. I could ajve been a total fruitcake. I could be ‘shut down’ completely. I could be a sociopath. I could be anything but what I am: a kind and generous eman who hold no hatred for any one but but who is very hiurt by the con tinued abuse I recieve from people for no apparent reason. It seesm that having an opiniopn in dogs is not allowe dun less you are part of a cliqie and having a dioffering opinion is enough to be trashed and gossiped about. You know I was thrwon out of a aclub because I was not the ype of memeber anted. Why? Becsusei Kept my dogs coppped inncages right up the the celing, I had tooo many and I bredd loys of litterrs(this could ahev checked with the KC and wouyld ahve seen that tha the max in oine is 3 and moatly just 1.I have NEVER done any people harm. I have never done anything that deserves tyhis disgusting trreatment. I have gtried to be friend soem people and have been re
buffed. They don’t even give me the chance of getting to know me.What shames me the most is how hburt I feel about it. I find it hard to acceopt that there peope who are just plainbn nasty. They do not care at all about the feelin gs of othertrs. They seem to enjopy causing pain to others.I am deeply cponfounded. I don’t get it. I know I can’t stlop it but I need to fiond a way of it not hurtingn me, making me feel afarid. It does make me feel afarid. All the fear from tmy childhood comes back at timees like this and I have to work hard to remind myself I a,m not a child and this is not the same thing,I will tell you now: I will NOT sgtop showing my dogs. I will keepi going as long as I posissinly can and maybe even end up having to hve someone else sjow my fodg for me or sell them for tohers to show.My apologies for the typing. I have not used the vopice to thype thing because I don’t want John to hear how upset I am. I feel like am immagture chgild allowing myself to get so wound uo by this h=nastiness. I feel tupidfor feeling hurt, stupid for allowing these people to affect me, and I still would rather they go to nknbow me and see I am not the monster they believe tI am.


  1. colin
    please please talk to john,he loves you like no other and will understand your pain
    you are married to him and you are allowed to wake him up and wail if you wish,now lots say marriage means nothing but a piece of paper,but it is a piece of paper that means you are both one person
    you need to talk to someone,why not your husband who loves and cherishes you
    you are not alone
    you are ver very important because some one loves you and has declared that to the world
    talk,wail shout and scream
    then hug john and hug the doggies especially the puppies,they will lick you and wiggle and love you for being their special human
    love jane and the kitties ,from the knitting group xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Comment by jane — November 15, 2012 @ 11:21 pm

  2. Colin, I agree with Jane. Please let your husband know what’s going on. He loves you. He is with you because he cares about you and is committed to you. There is no shame in feeling pain or fear, those are part of the human condition…. and you are a beautiful human being.

    Comment by rbackhaus — November 16, 2012 @ 12:32 pm

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