Just wrote a bloody long post and even though I’m only talking it through my microphone I’m too fat king knackered to repeat it.
Basically I was saying that I was very tired because I’m still having to sort out computer problems and spending hours with computer techs. And I can expect that this will perhaps be the case for quite some time as I go to use various things and find out that they are not working as they should person tailing another session with Apple. There is no one to blame for this it is just one of those things.
I am pleased to report that I am fairly certain that my mood is back to normal. Other people have noticed-the people in Tesco and I take a lot of store in what they say because they see me so regularly and they are also distant from me so they would have no reason to lie and may have seen me at my very worst and they know how important it is that I am told the truth. More importantly I feel like I’m back to normal. I don’t feel desolate and I don’t feel my life is pointless. I have yet to find what I am to do to replace the dog showing but I have to say that I do not miss the dog showing at all and am so glad that I was finally able to just stop punishing myself by going because it hurt like hell the last 2 1/2 years of showing was a nightmare for me. It took far more drugs which was noticeable I now realise all rather have been told and I was not good at editing myself as a result and I said things I’m sure that I normally would not have said had I not been up to the eyeballs with morphine and tramadol both of which are opioids and very strong painkillers and effect one’s ability to think clearly. I am just so relieved that I can giving and not feel like a coward or a weakling for stopping. There are times when one does have to throw in the towel and it does not mean that one has no guts and determination all that one is weak and pathetic and not-“a man”-. It is amazing how early programming still manages to sneak up and bite you in the bum. I gave it my best shot and I know that by refusing to just give in when I should have I put myself and others at risk and thank God nothing happened as a result of my stupidity.
I am not at the point where I find reading about other people’s success comfortable. I do not resent them it at all I am just not ready to see it all read about it.
I miss it dreadfully but much to my surprise it’s the dressing up and the people that I miss the most not the actual showing which wants my eyes were open to lost its glitter and so many others understand it to that it makes me wonder why they do it knowing what is really going on. However as it was pointed out to me there is absolutely no reason why I should not dress up when I go out and I do.
One way in which I have learned to take care of myself is that the holiday we were supposed to go on next weekend I cancelled. I am not well enough to go. I was concerned that we would lose a lot of money but in fact we gained a lot of money because we were able to postpone it to the first week of January and it appears no one goes on holiday then and so we got a huge discount. But where we are going nearly everything we do shopping galleries museums are indoors. Oh and of course I forgot to mention how much money not showing has saved us I can’t believe how much it was costing. Showing my dogs was costing me more than a lot of people bring home as their salary which I personally think it’s appalling that there are people who have such low salaries and to work hard despite that. A lot of people have the impression that we are rich or exceedingly well off and we are neither. We are temporarily enjoying John’s retirement which includes working three days a week which. In 2018 and then we will be back to having to watch our pennies and certainly not be able to have five-star hotels for a week. John worked 43 years to get this payoff and we have done the house up and enjoying holidays while we can because there is going to come a time where I am not going to be able to drive. My friend who has the same problem as me woke up a few weeks ago unable to walk. Despite her argument she had spine surgery in order to stop the paralysis being from the shoulders down. Of course my heart went out to her but at the same time it frightened the life out of me because the same could happen to me. Hence my desire to do as much as I can for as long as I can. A care home is not from me not over so care will either have to be at home all John and I will choose our night and I will say goodbye to him and how much I love him and how I find it amazing that he has looked after me all of these years and taken an awful lot of shipped from me but 33 years later he is still here and I must admit is taking a lot less shipped from me because I have learned how not to.
One never knows what will happen so we live our lives the best we can day by day am that is what makes anybody happy. Living one day at a time because if we spend all our time worrying about tomorrow we are pissing all over today and that is no way to live.